simplylaughter

It would be so much easier if life were a fairytale,  like a Disney Movie, that it always came with a happy ending. In all reality, life is hard, it sucks and it has lots and lots of downs. I know this sounds so terribly tragic, but let me just think it all out. I'm in that kind of mood and writing it out always makes it better, somehow.

I can't really remember much of this year that was extraordinary. Most of it, was pure shit. I thought that there was some light in this year, when I began dating my boyfriend, cause I think thats what he still is at this moment, however, that too is turning into shit. You see, he will be leaving for active duty by the end of this year. So that pretty much means 4 years in another state, or even, another country. Which, is pretty shitty. What's worse is that he had asked me if I would still be with him. I, being the stupid love struck girl that I am, said yes, when in fact, I didn't feel very sure about it. Did, i love him enough to do that to myself? I don't think so. We've only been dating for 3 months, so, waiting 4 years for something that isn't certain seems pretty stupid to me. By that time I'll be 26. A lot can happen in 4 years. I think he might be thinking the same things as I am. Though, we have yet to actually talk about it. He picked a fight with me tonight because I said I might not be able to hang out with him tomorrow because my friend, who is now like a surrogate mother to me ( she's 41 and someone i work(ed) with) asked me to go to a party with her and her daughter. Which I would be stupid to turn down because I could get the chance to meet some Steelers. Though, she didn't say anything else about it. So, I told him that and now he's all upset and being a jerk. I feel I don't have to deal with that. I should not have to put up with that.

With everything else that has happened to me this year, I think shitty boyfriend drama is the last thing I need to deal with on my plate. My mother died for crying out loud and people just don't seem to grasp how much that fucking sucks. Maybe sometimes I just don't want to do anything, because I am haunted by the image of her wrything in pain and DYING before my eyes. I watched it happen. I can't even explain what the does to a person, what it did to me. But I'll be damned if some guy comes along and tells me what  I can and cannot do. If i want to go out and be with my friends, then by God, thats exactly what I will do.

I actually thought that maybe he could be some one different, but he's acting like a posessive asshole just like all of the rest.

God, I wish I had one of my girl friends to talk to, however, none of them are reachable right now.
It's times like now when I really miss my mommy.

It's funny how things hit you when you least expect it, when you thought  you might be over it, when everything seems like it was getting better. But that's what happens when you don't deal with how you feel. It comes back to bite you in the ass.

It's hard not having anyone that can relate or understand where I'm coming from. What I feel. Why it still hurts.  I hide so well. I'm a great actress, I'm fabulous at pretending to be anything but what I really am. I hide and I don't let people in, they never see me hurting. My mask barely shows anything. The walls never come down and if, by chance, they do, it's never all the way. I am the strong one. I'm the one who every one goes to, cries to, but where do I go to cry? To myself. I am my own warrior.

I thought 7 months would make it easier, that I would stop feeling so shitty all the time, turns out, I was wrong. If anything, I feel worse. It's like a constant gnawing at my heart.  I hate it, I hate wanting to just lay in bed and cry and I hate that I'm so afraid to really just talk about it with someone.

I'm still plagued by nightmares. Haunted, is more like it. A constant repeat of the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. The hardest thing I ever had to deal with, still deal with. It's hard. Some days are okay and others, I just don't want to deal with anyone.

I just don't know. I can't convey how this feels, other than plain terrible. A part of me has left this earth. Now, just a little bit of sadness is left in the wake.

Well, this is me, listing all the things I LOVE that start with the letter "D". Case
trixter21 told me to do so, and well, I'm doing it.

Dogs.  More specifically, my dog, Zeus. He's an old guy now, but I just love how dogs are always so happy to see you. Its quite comical, in a sense, cause you can just walk out of a room for like 10 minutes and then come back and they are just so overjoyed that you actually CAME back. haha.

Dancing. Mostly, I do this in my shower...cause, well, this is me.

Dinner. I love eating and dinner is probably the best time of day. I love all the yummy things that my dad and/or gram make for dinner..except for you know, corn or sausage...cause I don't like those.

Dan Ackroyd. He's one of the best comedians/actors ever. I mean come on Blues Brothers. I think I could just rest my case there. Another point, he sorta reminds me of my late grandpa Ray.

"Don't Speak" Probably one of the best songs, ever. I just love it. Couldn't really tell you why, though. I've been listening to No Doubt since 95..so since I was 8 years old.

Dessen, Sarah. I pretty much love her books. She's a great writer and she has a wonderful way of just making you see what she's writing. Lovely.

Drinking. I'll admit, there are times when I just like to go out and get crazy ass drunk. However, I will stress that I do NOT need to do that to have a good time, and I don't really even do it all that often. The novelty wears off rather fast. Trust me.

Defence. It helps win Championships. I'm so happy its football season. =D

Destiny.  I like to beleive that everyone has one, even if you don't know what it is. Not, to say that I don't believe in free will, because come on, you make your choices, but I think each of us were put here for a purpose, to find out the what and why for and the choices you make lead up to that.

Dork. Meaning me. xD. I am a huge dork. Seriously. I'm still  a huge fan of BTVS, I've all the sudden come into watching a show that was on 8 years ago for only 2 season, Popular if you aren't catching on. I still like the X Files and was super excited when the new movie came out.  I'm a big fan of Batman and Wonder Woman and I'm also an SNL geek. xD


Okay, so. I don't really have many friends on this thing. soooo. I don't know what now. lol.

I just heard some sad, yet good news. Amy Poehler is leaving SNL (sad) however, the good news is, she could very possibly be on her very own TV show. Gee, didn't that happen 3 years back? Tina Much? Nah, I love Amy. She and Tina were the best Weekend Update anchors ever, if that's possible. I believe a show with her in it would be quite funny, seeing as she's be one of the only performers on SNL that I could call funny. Hopefully, they put somone good on her Update Anchor spot, lets say the only other funny person on that show, Kristin Wiig.


Oh well, That's about all I have to say.

Well, I'm very bored so, I thought why not compile a little "About Me" list.

So, here goes :

1. When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of oven mitts. Weird? Yeah, I know.

2. I cannot stand the "Happy Birthday" song. It makes me cringe and I feel as if my ears will bleed.

3. I like to dip my pizza in Italian  dressing. Sooo good.

4. I seem to suck a relationships. It pretty much never lasts longer than 5-ish months.

5. That being said it could be because I seem to only date assholes or creepers. I can't find the happy medium.

6. I love football. Steelers and WVU are my teams man.

7. Funfetti cake is probably the best kind of cake.

8. I hope to become a nurse, some day soon.

9.  My favorite animal is the Giraffe.

10. I watch the movie A League Of Their Own, whenever I need to chill out. It's like a comfort thing for me. That, and I love that movie.

11. Sometimes, I like to just lay in bed and watch movies or Popular and BTVS all day.

12. I like to dip teddy grahams in icing.

13. Ramen noodles are my favorite midnight snack.

14. McDonald's sweet tea is going to be the death of me.

15. I miss the Spice Girls.

16. Someday, I hope to have my very on Lifetime movie, based off my life.

17. I would love to be on Saturday Night Live.

18. I collect Batman stuff, and if he were real, I would totally be trying to marry him.

19. I have to sleep with a fan on all night, even in winter.

20. I  like doing anything or nothing at all with my best friend.

21. If I were a surgeon I would totally want to be like Izzie from Grey's Anatomy.

22. Yesterday, I Googled murder.

23. I'm a huge fan of quotes.

24. I'm a Massage Therapist, for now.

25. I like cutting the grass, as long as I get to ride the tractor. What can I say, I live in Western PA, its what we do.

Rules of the Game:
A) People who have been tagged should write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) Tag 10 people to do this quiz. These people should state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

01. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
well, I think that I would be pretty peeved. I'm not sure the to what extent though it depends on what was done. I've dated some pretty big idiots and they didn't last so long..so probably if it happened to be bad enough, break up with the ass.

02. What's a weird habit you have?
Hmm, most of what I do is weird...the essesne of me is weird. I can't really think of anything that I would consider a habbit.


03. What's the craziest thing you've done?
I've done a good bit of crazy things, I guess it just goes with whatever you personally consider crazy.
streaking throught my yard drunk in the middle of January is probably pretty crazy, seeing as I live in Pennsylvania.


04. If you could have any one superpower, which would you choose and why?
I would totally want to be able to fly or you know, be wonder woman's daughter


05. What is your biggest fear?
Clowns, so much in fact, that I hate even saying the word. I call them Circus C Words in stead


06. -Changed this- What is the meanest thing someone could possibly say?
that im not worth it

07. Do you trust easily?
No. I honestly don't.

08. If you could try any profession other than your own, what would it be?
Well, Im not a nurse yet, so can i still say that?

09. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Yes. My mom passed away in February.

10. What are you addicted to?
the internet and McDonal's Sweet tea..oh also Rockstar Energy drinks.

11. What country other than your own would you like to live in?
Italy

12. How old were you when you first got a cell phone?
Uh, 17 i think

13. What is your favorite curse word?
Jaggoff. I'm from da burgh. If not that then the F word does it pretty well for me

14. What is your favorite video game?
Honestly, I don't really have one.

15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
I'd rather just be happy.

16. How many children do you want to have, if any?
Well, I would like 3 of them

17. What do you think of tattoos?
I already have 2 of them

18. What's the last movie you saw in theaters?
Get Smart

19. What's your favorite movie ever?
Probably, A League of Their Own...but Knocked Up is pretty close to the top as well

20. What is your favorite scent?
I really really like the smell of Hollister. lol. Every time I'm at the mall I have to walk by and smell the store. hahaha. I'm so lame

Im just going to do a little ranting here, well, more of a way for me to get this out of my head since I don't really have anyone to talk to about it because my best friend took to ignoring me recently. So, here goes.

My Ex and I broke up, if thats what you want to call it. More along the lines of he stopped talking to me, then he did again, then he was hanging out with a new girl...and then he decided to try to get with me again before he went to Iraq ( he's a marine). That never happened, because hey, why should I invest anything more into this if that's the way he was going to treat the relationship.

Now, a few weeks go by, he's already over in Iraq. He sends me a message on Mypsace asking how I was and telling me that he was going to try and give me a call and that he hoped to talk to me. I read that and thought, " well maybe he sent this to the wrong person" and i didn't figure I was going to get a call, until my phone actually rang and it was some freaky number so I answered it anyway and WOAH, it was him. I thought I was going to die. haha. So he was just asking me how things were and all that, it was small talk, kinda weird. He then said that he'd give me his address over there and that he hoped to talk to me again.

Now Im all confunded about things, because I recently started talking to a new guy, who I should totally go for and everything, because he's nice and he's sweet and all of that ( atleast so far) but one thing he isn't, is travis ( my ex). I thought I was over him, then he had to go and talk to me. haha.

One thing though, I looked at his myspace page, and there's a comment from another girl saying how much she misses him and a bunch of x's and o's. Im pretty sure its the "other" girl, so this just makes it more confusing for me, because is he with her? does he want to be back with me? does he think he can get both of us? I sure hope he thinks Im smarter than that. I don't share my men. HAHA.

okay, that feels a little better.